agnestirrito

"Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, begin it, because action has magic, grace, and power in it." Goethe


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Things You’ll Hear…Echoing

So, today, a random posting that may become a regular feature. I don’t know, because I don’t know anything these days. Anyway. Voices from the Journey. Echoes. Things people say. Things you know are all part of a new and different landscape. Words you might not normally hear. And of course, you handle it. You handle everything. But you want there to be a record of this. I don’t know why. I don’t know anything.

9 am phone call from Stephanie, yet another (really, you can’t imagine unless you’ve lived it) medical bill collector.

She says,
“I can tell how sick someone was by the amount of the bill. I’m sorry.”

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Friday’s Five

Yes, I know it’s Saturday.
Oh well.
1) three country dogs eating Cheezits from my hand…no growling, no fighting, each one waiting her turn.
2) Primo Amore moscato. Enough said.
3) new yarn, old needles.
4) an iffy internet connection that finally allowed a good movie with my daughter
5) homemade chocolate pie waiting for my son
…and a few more, because I’ve been intermittent lately:
weekly phone chats with my sis
booked flights
art museums
junk drawers
a bird’s nest in stored furniture
safe arrival texts

So much to be glad about.
Happy thoughts, friends…


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Sunday’s Song: Puzzles

I knew it had been a couple of weeks since I blogged; didn’t realize it had been over three.
Par for the course, once again.
This journey is anything but normal. Days drag on or fly by, depending.
On what? That’s the thing. I never know. That “what” is at the crux of the grief journey. I’m living it, but even I don’t understand it. Not yet.
I keep journals. I write so many thoughts down, even the ones that are fragmented and out of place. Maybe one day I’ll make sense of these days. Then again, maybe I never will. A lot of people love to tell me things happen for a reason and always work for the best. But those are just words. I look at my life from decades ago. I see things that “just were”… there were good and bad, but they are just part of the bigger picture we don’t see. Our lives are jigsaw puzzles, but we don’t get to see the top of the box. We get handed a piece at a time and sometimes have to force it to fit. Sometimes we just have to set the piece aside and hope tomorrow will bring the one that connects to the others. Sometimes we are certain the piece handed to us was meant for someone else. Surely. And we don’t know how many pieces there are. Ahh. Really need to keep that in mind. Sometimes the picture is left incomplete. Interrupted. Modern art, some might say…interpret your own ending. Maybe the realist would say something entirely different. But that’s art. That’s why I like it. We all see what we bring to it. The puzzle of life.
My puzzle lately has had many unexpected pieces: a spur of the moment decision to fly to New Orleans. The blind lady beside me on one of the flights. The trombone player who serenaded me on a rainy morning. A visit with a dear friend’s mom who lived this widow puzzle piece many years ago. A job offer. A new knitting group. Rosary making. Art ideas coming from nowhere.
I learn my limits each day. I see more and more clearly my triggers. Some things I will never change. It is ok. I do not have to see tomorrow’s piece today. And really, I need to leave yesterday’s pieces alone. A gentle look is ok. A nod to what was. A light touch. And then, onward. There really is nothing to be gained from starting the puzzle over. The pieces will only fit the way they were designed to fit then.
I hope for what some of my future pieces will include: family and friend time, trips, art, writing. Some of the pieces may just be ordinary though–the days of bill paying, phone calls, appointments, house upkeep. Guess we need all kinds of pieces.
But you know what? Some of those pieces can be altered. Maybe they need a different shade of color. Some glitter. We can make that happen too.
It’s called adjusting. Compensating. Improving. Making today’s piece tolerable for you.
I’ll let you know how that works out for me. Thinking I might need a few more embellishments…